A year from today if someone told me that by going on this trip I would not only come back with a new family, but that I would grow closer to God through struggling and heartbreak, I don't think I would've put much thought into the decision.
It all started with poverty Monday. The Monday that Brooke, Erica, Teresa, Evan went to compassion changed my life forever. My classmates had their eyes opened to poverty, the kind of poverty that is shown on TV. The only difference was they were standing right in front of it. All four of them came back crying, eager to share what they had seen and for the first time ever during circle time that night, I saw almost every single guy cry because of how much they felt for the four people that saw what they saw. Coming from Africa, which isn't exactly the richest country out there, I had already been exposed to poverty at a young age. Even going on trips downtown had my mind prepared that we were going to see poverty in a second world country like the Dominican Republic. After circle time when all the girls were bonding over what Brooke, Erica & Teresa saw I felt left out. Yes, I was upset at the fact that there is poverty in the world and that they had to see that, but I just didn't think it was something to cry about. That whole night I was on the roof beating myself up, making myself believe that not only am I different, but I'm insensitive and I have no heart all because I responded to something a little bit differently than all the other girls. The only person that helped me get through that night was Jason Kooy. Jay was by my side the whole day, he helped me understand that I was on the trip for a reason and that I shouldn't bring myself down....mainly because we still had 7 ½ weeks left of the trip and if I had broken down then and there the rest of the trip would have been miserable. So with help from Jay and some support from the group I got through poverty Monday thinking that would be the hardest struggle that I would have to go through on the trip.
Right around the corner was our first orphanage visit which seemed like it would be a breeze at first, until we got there. I was fine stepping off of the bus, right off the bat a little girl came up to me and wanted to be held. She looked up at me with her eyes that were filled with so much energy, I couldn't put her down. The first hour was great! My partner was Ben and it almost seemed that I would get through the orphanage without a problem... until I stepped into one of the rooms. This room seemed to have all the younger kids/ babies in it. As I walked through the room looking into each and every crib, I saw Erica in the back of the room, frozen staring into a crib. I walked towards her ready to ask her what the problem was, but when I got there I didn't need to ask, all I had to do was look. Underneath me was an 18 year old girl who was as small as a garden gnombe. Right when I saw I immediately started crying. I spent my whole day with her, just holding her hand and being near her. I think at that moment my heart split into two just thinking about how God could let all these things happen to so many innocent people. It didn't seem fair that I was standing above her looking forward to the future and the only thing she could look forward to was hopefully staying alive to see another day.
The next couple of weeks I started to stray from God and what I had come on the trip believing. I didn't want to pray or have any communication with God, I was so angry that at one point I couldn't even call myself a Christian anymore. All I wanted were answers, and I was just getting more questions. I spent a lot of time talking to the chaps to get some type of understanding, but I realized the only thing I could do was to wait and listen for God to reveal himself to me. It was probably one of the longest 4 weeks that I've ever had to go through, but I didn't go through it alone. I had so much support from the group that everyday got easier and easier.. Finally, the last week came, which was also the last time we were going to visit the orphanage. I had no feelings towards going. In fact, I didn't want to go at all. The orphanage is what screwed up everything, going back would only make things worse right? Wrong. Before I stepped off the bus, I felt dizzy, almost as if I was going to throw up. Then, out of nowhere, my head started to clear and I wasn't confused anymore, I almost had a sense of relief. I felt as though God was telling me to relax and to let Him lead me through my life. Right after that moment, every single kid at the orphanage looked beautiful, not to say that they didn't look beautiful to me before, but this time was just different. I didn't feel alone anymore or confused, I felt healed and happy to be where I was.
God put me through some pretty scary tests on this trip and I know for a fact he didn't put me through anything He thought I couldn't handle. He made sure that I was surrounded by people who cared enough to pick me up when I was down and I think that's why He wanted me to go on this trip. He wanted me to see that life doesn't always have to be difficult, I don't have to go through things on my own. Yes, there will be situations that knock me down, some harder than others, but nothing is impossible to overcome when God is on your side.
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